


Grateful

by GothicPixi



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Growing and Healing, Implied/Referenced Attempted Suicide, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Nothing Explicit Explicit, Team as Family, We're all angst liches here, post-Story and Song, spoilers?, supportive friends, unconventional storytelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 16:07:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14429235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GothicPixi/pseuds/GothicPixi
Summary: Undoing trauma and the enemy within // Lucretia starts a gratitude journal.





	Grateful

 

Life in Faerun was very different after Story and Song. The crew members of the Starblaster – the seven birds – had a lot of shit to work through. Lucretia, still wracked with guilt, tried her hardest to stay out of the public eye. She sequestered herself on the moon base, where non-Bureau members were still not allowed. She sat with Avi most nights, drinking and rambling, eventually crying herself to sleep after her friend left. Magnus made a point to visit her as often as he could. She changed the dog policy, so he’d bring his new pet Johann with him. It helped her most of the time. Merle visited too, not as much as Magnus, and sometimes Lup and Barry. Taako wasn’t too pleased his sister and brother-in-law were visiting Lucretia, and Merle didn’t mention his visits in his letters to Davenport. Healing was a process for all of them, some taking longer than others.

 

They’d been a family for one hundred years – they understood coping mechanisms, fears, insecurities, everything. Taako held grudges for a long time and he preferred distractions from his thoughts. Lup held grudges too, but her isolation in the umbra staff had left her a lot of time to think about the situation. She’d gotten over most of the initial trauma that her brother was still processing.

 

Magnus understood Lucretia - he always had - and he was shit at holding grudges against people he cared about. She was his sister and he loved her. She’d made a decision that had made sense at the time. She was trying to fix it and had been for a long time. He couldn’t fault her for that. He knew she’d get through this faster with love and support, so he gave it. He only wished Julia was there to meet his family.

 

Merle was weird about it. In the heat of the battle during Story and Song, he didn’t blame Lucretia. He didn’t want them all to fight, not then – he was the Peacemaker, after all. But once the battle was over and the war was won, he had time to think. He wasn’t mad at her, he was just disappointed in all of them. They should have noticed Lucretia pulling away from them, the memories they randomly started losing, the details that began to get fuzzy. They should have talked to each other, all of them. It wasn’t just Lucretia’s fault.

 

Davenport was pissed. The Judges’ did say his only sin was wrath, and that century of close calls only fueled the natural rage inside him. He was mad that they drove Lucretia to this, but also that she did it, but also that they didn’t stop her, but also that she didn’t inoculate him the moment she realized he could only say his name. There were so many things to be mad about that he would choose a different one every day for years. He stayed with Merle for a short period after Story and Song before heading out to sea. He was alone out there, usually, and there was no better listener than the ocean. Some ports now told stories of a man who yelled at the stars. They never saw him face, or the details of his ship, but they heard the noise. Heard the tense anger, the grief, the guilt, the panic. The stars could take it, they would say, but the man could not.

 

After Magnus, Barry was probably the nicest one to Lucretia. They’d had multiple interactions during the eleven years their family lived without knowledge of their history. Barry’s lich form found Lucretia a few dozen times, mostly off the moon base. They had talked, most often right after she’d dropped the rest of their family off at their new homes. They attended Magnus and Julia’s wedding together – obviously Barry had been invisible, since seeing a lich usually isn’t a good omen on any occasion – and one of Taako’s shows. He’d long since moved past being upset with Lucretia, and all that mattered to him now was that Lup and the rest of his family was back. They remembered and they were safe and they could start to heal.

 

Lucretia was faring the worst out of all of them, but she didn’t want them to know that. They deserved to feel better than her. They had the right to be upset. She was mad that more of them weren’t upset with her. All the late nights – eleven years’ worth – spent mulling over every possible combination of emotions and possible scenarios, but none of them prepared her for this. She wasn’t expecting support or love or forgiveness. She hadn’t expected Magnus to start training therapy dogs. Ones for anxiety, for panic attacks, for depression. She hadn’t expected Merle to give her plants to make sure she had manageable things to live for. Small and simple tasks, he knew, could keep her calm. She hadn’t expected Lup to send her her favorite bottle of wine on her adoption anniversary. She almost hadn’t remembered the date herself. She hadn’t expected Barry’s late night stone calls, wanting to discuss a book he had just finished or something Angus mentioned. Contact with little pressure, he knew, was better than high intensity or high expectations. She didn’t even have to lead the conversations, just listen. Most of the time now, she just had to be there to receive.

 

Killian was the one who suggested Lucretia start writing again. Something, anything that could bring her a little more joy. She brought it up at dinner one night, when a few old BoB members were visiting. Angus gave her a new notebook the next day, sturdy and Bureau of Benevolence blue. He handed her her favorite pen before taking out his own book.

 

“It’s a gratitude journal.” Angus explained. “Every night, I write down three things I’m grateful for.” He flipped through the pages of his own journal. “For example,” He skimmed a random page, “this day I was grateful that the cafeteria had oreo ice cream, that the new Caleb Cleveland novel was coming out soon, and that Jeff Angel won his wrestling match. I am grateful for my eyesight. I am grateful I found the Rockridge Strangler. I am grateful that I have some of grandpa’s silverware.” He closed the book. “Sometimes it’s small stuff, like happy moments that day, or future events, like a party or holiday. It keeps you grounded. You remember there are good things in the world, no matter how dark it seems. That’s what my grandpa told me.”

 

Lucretia picked up her pen and began to write. She writes sporadically, for months.

 

_ I am grateful for my journals. _

_ I am grateful that I didn’t give up all my writing in Wonderland. _

_ I am grateful that we defeated the Hunger. _

 

_ I am grateful for Avi’s incredible alcohol hookup. _

_ I am grateful for Angus McDonald’s humor. _

_ I am grateful that the Bureau is still going, _

 

_ I am grateful that Davenport has his voice back. _

_ I am grateful Lup is alive. _

_ I am grateful for the opportunity for them to heal. _

 

_ I am grateful that I couldn’t swallow all of them. _

 

_ I am grateful for Killian and Carey’s support. _

_ I am grateful the Raven Queen hasn’t taken us yet. _

_ I am grateful for the sunflowers Merle planted in the quad. Not sure how they’re still alive, logistically-speaking. _

 

_ I am grateful for Brad’s encouraging sticky notes, even though they’re  _ _ everywhere _ _. _

_ I am grateful for wine and very large glasses. _

_ I am grateful that Avi found me before I fell right off the damn thing. _

 

_ I am grateful that we survived. _

_ I am grateful that we didn’t have to leave. _

_ I am grateful I get to show some of the time I lived, even if it was because of evil liches. _

 

_ I am grateful for Fisher and Junior. _

_ I am grateful that my fathers loved and cared for me as long as they could. _

_ I am grateful for the IPRE. _

 

_ I am grateful for the key lime bars in the cafeteria. _

_ I am grateful that Barry calls. _

_ I am grateful that Magnus Burnsides met Julia Waxmen. _

 

_ I am grateful for Johann’s memory. _

_ I am grateful that the kitchen staff locked the drawers tonight. _

_ I am grateful that Garfield is gone. _

 

_ I am grateful for Magnus’ hugs. _

_ I am grateful that Taako can be in kitchens again. _

_ I am grateful for Killian and Carey’s engagement. _

 

_ I am grateful for the BoB, past and present. _

_ I am grateful that Jess the Beheader is going to championships. _

_ I am grateful that we don’t have to worry about the Hunger or the Relics. _

 

_ I am grateful for chocolate bars with pleasing packaging. _

_ I am grateful that someone put locking spells on the cabinets in the med bay. _

_ I am grateful for the plants in my room that need me to maintain them. _

 

_ I am grateful that Taako has his sister, and Barry, and Kravitz, and Angus. _

_ I am grateful for Magnus’ visits. _

_ I am grateful for the upcoming wedding. _

 

_ I am grateful for my first postcard from Davenport. _

_ I am grateful for Disguise Self charms. _

_ I am grateful for Lucas’ new school and that he isn’t dead. _

 

_ I am grateful I got to see Lup today. _

_ I am grateful for my limbs. _

_ I am grateful that Leon is happily retired. _

 

_ I am grateful that battlewagon racing is now legal in Goldcliff. _

_ I am grateful Merle brought me a better vape. _

_ I am grateful to Istus. _

 

_ I am grateful that there were waffles for breakfast this morning. _

_ I am grateful for good books. _

_ I am grateful for my memories, pleasant and otherwise. _

 

_ I am grateful for time, even an excess of it. I’ve considered what we’d do without it. _

_ I am grateful for the ocean. _

_ I am grateful that I don’t have to lie as much. _

 

_ I am grateful that Taako spoke to me today. _

_ I am grateful I am alive today so Taako could speak to me. _

_ I am grateful I got to eat one of his macarons. _

 

_ I am grateful for pgorp. _

_ I am grateful for soft pajamas that come in sets. My favorite has little birds on them. _

_ I am grateful for long conversations with my brother. _

 

_ I am grateful that Angus won his first soccer game! _

_ I am grateful we got really good ice cream afterwards. _

_ I am grateful Kravitz and Taako are doing well together. _

 

_ I am grateful for my second postcard from Davenport. _

_ I am grateful I am alive to receive them. _

_ I am grateful that tomorrow has fried pickles on the menu. _

 

_ I am grateful for Taako’s new school. _

_ I am grateful for my therapist. _

_ I am grateful for this journal. _

 

_ I am grateful that Magnus had a full class of therapy dogs “graduate” today. _

_ I am grateful that Merle is now an Earl (of course he would chose that title). _

_ I am grateful for pocket pudding. Carey wasn’t expecting that from me. _

 

_ I am grateful for my third postcard from Davenport, this time with words! _

_ “Yours, Captain Davenport” _

_ I am grateful I got free books during my trip to Neverwinter today. _

_ I am grateful this world is thriving. _

 

_ I am grateful for good days. _

_ I am grateful for surviving bad days. _

_ I am grateful for observant friends. _

 

_ I am grateful for healing. _

_ I am grateful that the new Caleb Cleveland novel was dedicated to The Seven Birds. _

_ I am grateful Angus brought me a copy. He was so excited. _

 

_ I am grateful for big gay weddings. _

_ I am grateful I got to witness the majesty of Lup and Taako fighting for a bouquet, even though there were two bouquets. _

_ I am grateful Ren somehow got both. _

 

_ I am grateful we freed John from the Hunger. _

_ I am grateful Robbie gave me a recipe for a real good mix. _

_ I am grateful we just founded a new office of the BoB in Neverwinter. _

 

_ I am grateful Killian and Carey are running the new office well. _

_ I am grateful those lesbian dryads are officially in the Goldcliff Battlewagon League. _

_ I am grateful I’m four months clean. This old skin is healing fine. _

 

_ I am grateful for the recipes Taako and Ren sent the cafeteria staff for my birthday. _

_ I am grateful for the surprise party Magnus and his dogs threw me. _

_ I am grateful for my friends. _

 

_ I am grateful that I am still alive. _

_ I am grateful for my family, no matter how scattered or quiet or disconnected. _

_ I am grateful I am able to find things to be grateful of. _


End file.
